


Winterboys

by sexiudreams (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Byun Baekhyun has an Eating Disorder, Character Death, Death, Eating Disorders, Emetophobia, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kim Minseok | Xiumin has an Eating Disorder, Lu Han Leaves EXO, M/M, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Recovery, Suicide, Suicide Notes, The Author Regrets Everything, Triggers, supportive EXO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-03-05 19:28:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13394664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/sexiudreams
Summary: There's a lot of maybe's and if's about when Minseok and Baekhyun started losing their weight so quickly. There's so many, no one knows anything for sure anymore. But there's one thing EXO are sure of, watching their two small band members become even tinier. It's time for it to stop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please do NOT read this if you are suffering with an ED, if this is going to trigger you, or knock you out of recovery. Written as a therapy mechanism for myself. Please do NOT damage yourself reading this. Read with caution.

No one really knew when it had started for either of the two men. No one in the group really knew when the bathroom had always started having the scent of vomit tinged to it, no matter what Minseok did to clean it. No one really knew when eleven at dinner had turned to nine, no matter what anyone said. No one knew when the hushed quiet meetings in the bathroom, and the soft _no way- that looks amazing_ had started becoming an almost daily thing. But one thing the remaining nine knew, was that it had to stop. It had to stop, before it became dangerous, even more so than it already was.  
  
Junmyeon watched the two, tapping on their phones, raising a questioning eyebrow at the other, sitting on opposite sides of the couch, before returning to their phones. He watched how Minseok and Baekhyun curled up under the thick Afghan rug they had displayed over it, shivering, despite the heat being up high in their dorm; it was always high, they were both always complaining of being cold, no matter if they were sitting around after getting in from the winter cold, not having taken their winter layers off yet. They were always shivering. The SM sanctioned medic had said they had low metabolisms, low body mass, so of course the cold affected them more than the rest, but that was it all. Like he was blind to what was actually going on, like so many of the managers had turned a blind eye when the rest of the group had told them outright was was going on with the two.  
  
No one seemed to care, not even the majority of fans that had noticed it, commenting instead on how much better they looked now that they weren’t chubby, now that their bodies were looking thinner, abs on show most shows. Abs that were now disappearing, muscle mass barely being able to be seen, gone to concave stomachs that arched too far inwards. Junmyeon felt sick watching them, Minseok leaning over to show Baekhyun something, which looked all too like a too skinny person on his phone screen, and he turned away. The managers weren’t going to do anything about it, so of course, as leader, Junmyeon had to at least try _something_. He’d tried calling their parents, Minseok had gone home for a while, come back with weight, only for it to disappear in weeks, with lies about his weight to his Mom on the phone; Baekhyun’s had just said to tell him to eat and hung up.  
  
Junmyeon made his way into the kitchen, pulling the fridge open and peering inside it. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know what he could do, but he could try. He sighed, pulling the salad out the fridge, making a small dish that wouldn’t even fill a toddler, and slumped. He stared at it a moment, greens, yellows and reds blurring in his vision before he cleared his throat. “Minseok!” He heard the movement from the couch, and he knew likely he was going to be laughed at, but he turned, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. Minseok looked at him, and Junmyeon inclined his head to the small bowl. “Come on.”  
  
Minseok looked like he was terrified, and then looked at Junmyeon as though he might kill the man, but he walked over, spearing one of the leaves with a fork and scowling as he chewed it. Junmyeon discreetly watched the chewing, chew chew chew, four chews, swallow, breathe, the next mouthful. Junmyeon wondered how long Minseok had taken to get that right, to get it precise for anything and everything he ate, and his insides curled. He felt like he was going to be sick again. He stayed silent until Minseok had finished, washing the plate and fork up and Junmyeon cleared his throat. “What are you and Baekhyun giggling over? News?”  
  
Minseok stayed silent and drifted back out the kitchen. Junmyeon followed, raising his eyebrows at Lu Han, keeping a close eye that Minseok didn’t leave the couch, to discreetly disappear to the bathroom. Lu Han nodded in his peripheral vision and he knew he could count on their fellow member to keep an eye on Minseok. Junmyeon’s focus turned to Baekhyun. He watched Baekhyun snicker at Minseok. “Baekhyun, you too.” Minseok snickered and Baekhyun glared, shoving his toe into Minseok’s arm before he got up with a sigh. Junmyeon made the same thing, and Baekhyun ate most of it, leaving a quarter of what was there before he was gone, back to the couch. Junmyeon slowly scraped the rest away into the bin, swallowing hard. That was the first time he had seen either of them eat in days, and Baekhyun still couldn’t even finish less than a child’s portion of food. At this point, Junmyeon wondered if it was impossible for him to eat more than what he did, if he was at the point where his stomach just couldn’t handle it. Panic seared through him as he washed the plate up, staring out the window. If he was at that point, maybe they were too late. Maybe they had let it go on for too far.  
  
They had watched them both for months, getting smaller and smaller until their arms threatened to break at the elbow, until they were tiny and often couldn’t even be seen under their duvets. They had watched in silent fear, hoping they were just on one of the stupid diets that went around, and eventually, they’d come back around and stop freaking out, but they never did. They got smaller. They started sneaking around after dinner, taking long showers with their music blaring. They started disappearing just before Kyungsoo called everyone for dinner. They started sharing a room; with Kris gone, Lu Han would often return to his and Minseok’s room to find Baekhyun and Minseok curled up asleep together, shivering in their sleep, despite the large amount of blankets piled on top of them.  
  
Junmyeon didn’t know what the turning point had been, but somewhere, all of them had silently, mutually agreed that if the managers wouldn’t help, and their parents couldn’t help, it would fall down on to them to stop their brothers from this. To keep them at least functioning enough. Lu Han coming to him, whispering with fear in his eyes about Minseok, how he was always exhausted; even getting up to go to the bathroom during the day could exhaust him, and he’d need a nap. Chanyeol coming to him about Baekhyun, not knowing what to do, he’s so cold, he’s got twelve blankets, he’s still shivering and crying because he’s so cold. Maybe it had just gotten to the point where they all knew they needed to step up, to be support for them. Maybe it was when they knew the managers weren’t going to call some pysch that would talk to them and keep whatever the horrible thoughts they had at bay.  
  
Maybe it was when even when Minseok had seemed to put weight on and seemed happy, but they saw the way he saw himself in the reflective surfaces he passed, the way he smiled when fans said he seemed happier when he had lost weight, the way he would have to stop mid practice and just lean over to take some breaths and sip water, guided to sit down before he just collapsed in front of them all. Maybe it was the way Baekhyun looked scared when he saw himself sometimes, the hint in his eyes that something wasn’t right. Or maybe it was the way they would find Baekhyun try and eat something, reaching to get something from the cupboards, before he would stop and flick his collar bones. Maybe it was just how miserable they both looked, always cold and hungry, tired and dull, with no energy to smile most days. Maybe the way Minseok would look at Kyungsoo with something close to starvation and hope in his face when Kyungsoo got up to start making dinner. Or the way Baekhyun lingered in the doorway, watching them pass food around the table, laughing and joking, before vanishing the moment someone realised he was there, before they could invite him.  
  
There were so many maybes, it felt like Junmyeon was drowning. Maybe in the future, he’d know the answer to all of them. But for now, he knew this had to stop.  
  
Before it was too late.


	2. Chapter 2

Minseok thought it was ridiculous that Junmyeon was suddenly caring, as he left the bathroom, pausing to make sure the window was open to air it out. He hadn’t cared for the past year and a half, but now suddenly, he got dizzy here and there and he was all eateateateateat. He snorted, and shoved his hands into the pocket’s of Chanyeol’s too big, thick hoodie he had stolen from laundry and never given back. Chanyeol didn’t seem to care, as long as it warmed Minseok up. It didn’t. He shivered, and paused next to one of the radiators, reaching out to hold onto it and warm his hand a little. Finally, his insides were back to the soft, pretty pink, clean and sterile, Junmyeon’s ‘care’ going down the toilet with what he had been made to eat, gone, as if it never existed. Minseok let himself smile, leaning against the radiator. He should find Lu Han. He wanted to cuddle up with Lu Han, feel his partner’s warmth against him as he cuddled up and fell asleep. That would be nice.  
  
Minseok opened his eyes, starting to walk, only to walk straight into Sehun, blinking sleep from his eyes. “Min? You been sick? Want me to call the medic?”  
  
Minseok averted his eyes. “No, no, probably just something I needed to get out. I feel fine.” He side stepped around Sehun, quickly, avoiding any more conversation, aiming for his room. Lu Han was most likely in there, and, carefully opening the door, Minseok peered around to find Lu Han curled up, reading a book, and looking miserable. Whatever he was reading was in Chinese, so there was no way in hell Minseok could guess what it was and he snuck across the room. He jumped. Lu Han screamed. Minseok laughed. Lu Han huffed and hit him lightly with the book before he cuddled Minseok close. Minseok smiled, burying himself against the other male, resting his head on his chest as Lu Han went back to his book. Minseok rested a hand over Lu Han’s heart and Lu Han sat up a little, pulling the ~~too many for one human amount of~~ blankets on top of them, making sure Minseok was tucked up. Minseok smiled and settled back down, tangling his legs with Lu Han’s.  
  
They stayed silent. Minseok liked it like this. Quiet, warm-ish, comfortable. Lu Han hooked an arm around him and held him close. Minseok could drift off to sleep like this. Lu Han mumbled under his breath, the sound vibrating through Minseok’s ears and he smiled, cuddling closer. Until Lu Han cleared his throat.  
  
“We need to talk.”  
  
Minseok’s eyes shot open, staring at the wall. He rolled over, taking the blankets with him, turning his back to Lu Han. Lu Han sighed and set his book down. “Minseok, you can’t keep doing this. Do you think we don’t know what’s happening? You need to beat this, it’s slowly killing you. Christ, you’re only 95 pounds, you’re _tiny_ , it’s not healthy.”  
  
“I’m fine.” 95 pounds was bullshit. He was 92 now, tiny, tiny, so close to hitting 85 and then he could be happy and small, perfectly small.  
  
“You’re not _fine_ , christ Minseok! And I know what you’re doing with Baekhyun! This isn’t healthy for him either, you BOTH need to get out of this, before it’s too late.” Minseok hunched up. Guilt exploded around his stomach, making him feel fuller than he ever had.   
  
Baekhyun had fallen to it a little while after he had himself. Baekhyun had turned to Minseok, wide eyed and scared and Minseok had been in too deep to know better than to not tell him what to do. How to starve himself, how to get rid of the feeling of passing out, what to eat to have hardly anything inside of you, but still be able to function. Since Chanyeol had gotten concerned for Baekhyun, Minseok had backed up, had let him try and recover. But still… Still Minseok was there, undressing and dressing for concerts in the same dressing room as Baekhyun, letting him see every bone and his taught skin, his bones close to snapping out of them, refusing to let him fully step back. Baekhyun would have cereal in the morning, and Minseok would sit with two carrots, a tiny tub of humous, and an unsweetened black coffee. Baekhyun never finished his cereal. How Baekhyun would cry and finally eat, only for Minseok to walk out the bathroom, smelling of vomit, looking at Baekhyun for a split second before Baekhyun would scramble into the bathroom after him. Tears pricked in Minseok’s eyes, making him sniff. He wanted Baekhyun to get better, but he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t let go of Baekhyun’s wrists, he kept pulling him back down into the coldness, into the snow. He was scared. He didn’t want to go through this alone. Maybe it had been obvious what he was doing, maybe that was why Chanyeol often gave him dirty glares. Christ, he didn’t mean to. He wiped the tears away.  
  
“Whatever is going on with Baekhyun, I don’t-”  
  
“You have everything to do with it, I know you two are on pro anorexia sites together, don’t even _try_. I checked your phone history because I was worried. Junmyeon blocked the sites. All of them. You can’t get on them any more.”  
  
Minseok curled up tighter. “You need to back off.”  
  
“And let you kill yourself?”  
  
Minseok stayed silent and Lu Han sighed. He lay down and wrapped an arm around Minseok, hugging him close. “I’m scared, Min.” Silence. Minseok closed his eyes. “I’m scared, really scared. Every day you seem smaller and smaller, and one day, if you keep this up, you’re not going to be here any more. At all. No more cuddles in bed, no more sneaky kisses behind someone else when performing, no more smiles and laughs in the morning. None of that. Because you won’t be here to have all that, you won’t be _anything_ , you’ll be in a box in the ground, and you’ll be fucking gone.”  
  
The tears slid down Minseok’s cheeks. “Please… Please don’t make me go through that. I know you have to be ready to recover from this for yourself and forcing it will just make you worse but… but please. I’m gonna go make some food, nothing too big… but… will you at least try and come eat with me? Even if it’s just a child’s portion?”  
  
Minseok could say no. He could shrug it off, shrug off the smell of the pizza cooking in the other room, the laughter of everyone as they all took large slices and laughed, but it was Lu Han asking. It was Lu Han _begging_ him, and he found himself nodding with a gentle sigh. He felt Lu Han’s smile, and he slowly sat up, letting himself be dragged out of the warm nest of blankets. He hovered behind Lu Han as they walked into the kitchen, everyone looking around with slightly wide eyes as Minseok slipped into a chair next to Lu Han. Minseok grabbed Lu Han’s hand under the table, squeezing it tightly. He said something in Chinese, and then Zitao fell off his chair, clearly on purpose, but it took the attention off of Minseok. He didn’t care.  
  
Baekhyun wouldn’t look at him, focussing on Chanyeol feeding him little tit bits of pizza, giggling as stringy cheese fell down his chin. Minseok stared at his plate. Someone cut him a small slice, probably a quarter of the size of what everyone else had on their plates, and he swallowed. He said he’d try. He was here because he just told Lu Han he was going to try. He reached out and took a bite, and it tasted good. Cheese covered his tongue, slightly spicy, how they all liked it. ~~I don’t like this, it doesn’t taste good~~ and he swallowed it after chewing. His stomach growled at him, begging and demanding more, ~~I don’t need any more, one bite is enough~~ and he took another bite, chewing it down with the previous bite. ~~Empty is strong~~ Minseok took another bite, a little larger this time. ~~Stop, this isn’t right~~ “Can I… Can I have another slice please?”   
  
There was silence, realising Minseok had eaten a whole slice, more anyone had seen him eat in days, and Kyungsoo gladly got up to get him another slice. ~~Stop, you’re fat, you’re horrible, this is poison~~ Minseok ate it quickly. His stomach ached. He’d eaten too much. If he ate any more, it felt like his stomach would explode, that it would bulge and burst and he pushed the crust on his plate away from him. Lu Han found his hand under the table and squeezed it, smiling wide. Yixing cleared his throat. “Do you want any more-”  
  
Lu Han cut him off with quick Chinese, and no one else said a word, going back to their conversations. Lu Han kept holding his hand until Minseok silently excused himself, heading back to his room. He could take some of the pills he kept in his closet, hidden away from view, away from where anyone could find them, the pills that would wreck his insides and wash away the food before his body did anything with it. He started moving clothes. The door opened.   
  
“Cleaning up?”  
  
Minseok nodded, robotically and started shoving the clothes back inside, mind burning with panic. He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be delving through his closet looking for things to get rid of stuff from him, when Lu Han had asked him to try. He shoved his closet shut and moved over to crawl into bed with Lu Han, clinging to him like usual. Here, he felt safe. Here was a good place to sit and cuddle and ignore the thoughts in his head.  
  
~~Stupidfatuglyworthless~~  
  
No. He buried his face and breathed in Lu Han’s scent, and it disappeared. His mind cleared, it was just him and Lu Han. Slowly, Minseok felt himself drift off to sleep, and he let it happen, vaguely feeling Lu Han making sure he was tucked in as he did.


	3. Chapter 3

Baekhyun said nothing as Minseok disappeared back to his bedroom, but pricked his ears, listening for the sound of Minseok in the bathroom. There were little things he could pick up that no one else did, the sound of the door being shoved hard so it could be locked, the running of water, sounds that the others hadn’t become accustomed to - not this far away from the bathroom. But they didn’t come and Baekhyun watched Lu Han suddenly look concerned and get up, disappearing from the kitchen, chewing his last mouthful as he left. Baekhyun focused back on Chanyeol, back on chewing the little squares of cheese and dough being pressed into his mouth. He giggled again, leaning down for a soft peck. As usual, Zitao could be heard making an _ughhhhh_ noise, everyone laughing as he did. Baekhyun felt himself laugh and let himself lean into Chanyeol, chest heaving as he laughed away.  
  
This felt nice; he let himself have a small smile, curling up against Chanyeol’s neck. He forgot how long it had been since he had sat like this, laughing with the group, enjoying dinner, enjoying _food_. He wondered weakly if Minseok might do something later, ‘accidentally’ flash some bones, or make a point of his waist being so small, but he shook his head. He didn’t need to think about it right now.  
  
Baekhyun let his eyes drag to the doorway through to their dorms, just able to be seen from the kitchen doorway. He couldn’t blame Minseok for it, for wanting to keep Baekhyun in the snow with him. It was terrifying, Baekhyun had been terrified starting this out alone, but having Minseok there seemed so much warmer. It seemed like a sun shining down on them both; even if they were both suffering, it wasn’t alone, and they didn’t have to worry about being scared, or unguided. He wondered vaguely if that was how Minseok felt, knowing that Baekhyun wanted to recover, was _trying_ to recover from his anorexia. Scared, unguided, alone. _Lost_. Baekhyun swallowed and stood up, stretching out before disappearing into the dorm hallway. He hesitated on his way back to his dorm and paused, looking back at Lu Han and Minseok’s room.  
  
Baekhyun wasn’t sure how he came to be in front of their door, and carefully, weakly knocked on it. There was moaning inside, sleep filled, and a bit of Chinese cursing, before Lu Han pulled the door open. Minseok was on the bed, half asleep, looking almost like he was going to pass out there and then and Lu Han blinked. “Baekhyun?”  
  
Baekhyun nibbled on his lip for a moment before clearing his throat. “I wanted to talk to Minseok a moment… alone, if that’s alright.” He didn’t need to add on _if you trust us enough_ , it hung in the air between the two men. Lu Han looked back at the bed, at Minseok sitting up and rubbing his face as he yawned before he nodded. Stepping around Baekhyun - not a hard task these days - Lu Han gave them a worried glance before Baekhyun walked into the room, smiling weakly. He moved over to sit down on the bed and Minseok automatically shoved a few blankets over to him. Baekhyun wrapped a particularly thick one around his skeltal frame, playing with the hem with his long, too slender fingers.  
  
“I just… I wanted to let you know that… I’m not doing this to spite you. I know it might feel like that, I’m not purposely leaving you alone in this. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired of everything, Minseok.”  
  
Minseok blinked and looked away, staring at the bed. Baekhyun swallowed. “I want to recover, I’m scared of what’s happening to me. How small I’m getting… it’s not… healthy.” The words seemed to falter on his lips and he looked away. “I just wanted you to know that… when you’re ready to recover, I’m here. I’ll be here to hold your hand and help you walk into that, like you helped me walk into this - and no, I don’t blame you for dragging me back down. I know that… you’re scared and alone, but you’re not alone. I understand how it feels to be like… to be like us. And it’s alright and I know when you’re ready, you’ll come and walk alongside me, but it’s gonna be okay. But I have to get better now; I’m scaring myself and I can’t do it anymore.”  
  
Baekhyun wasn’t aware he was crying until Minseok reached up, hoodie gently wiping the tears away. “I know… it’s alright, you didn’t have to tell me all this.” Minseok smiled softly, and curled up, hugging his knees to his chest. “I’m proud of you… it’s hard to get to that point, I think, of saying flat out you want to recover, and I’m glad to see it. God you are getting tiny… god knows how much longer you had before…”  
  
They fell silent a moment, and Minseok licked his lips. “I’m proud of you… Avoid me. Please. I don’t want to keep dragging you down. I want to see you step up and flourish and be happy with yourself again. You deserve it.”  
  
Baekhyun smiled weakly and leaned forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Minseok. “I hope you can stand and flourish with me, one day. I want to see the exact same for you. You deserve it as well.”  
  
Minseok hugged back weakly and smiled against Baekhyun’s cheek before Baekhyun stood up. He left quickly, head down as he walked past Lu Han waiting by the door. Lu Han smiled, and Baekhyun found himself smiling back before he went to find Chanyeol. Maybe his partner was huddled up in the living room, but the sounds of Toben barking happily told Baekhyun that he was in their room. Peering inside, he felt his face break out into another smile, watching his boyfriend playing with his dog and a tug toy. He stayed silent for a moment, before Chanyeol realised he was there, Toben running over, barking away. Chanyeol sat up with a smile and Baekhyun lay down on the bed, scooping Toben up before he did for some cuddles.  
  
Chanyeol joined them quickly, wrapping an arm around Baekhyun’s waist and pressing them together. Toben whined a little, wriggling away before jumping down onto the floor, curling up in his bed, and Baekhyun rolled over, smiling at Chanyeol. They kissed softly, lips smiling against each other, before Baekhyun pulled back a little. “I have some good news.”  
  
“We’re running away together to get married, and then showing back up in time for the next come back with wedding rings on and an adopted baby and another dog?”  
  
Baekhyun burst into a bright bubble of laughter, shocking himself for a moment, shaking his head. “Not that level of good news… Something _better_ than that.”  
  
Chanyeol quirked an eyebrow and propped himself up, head on his hand, elbow on his pillow, with a smile. “What could be even better than that?”  
  
Baekhyun smiled softly, feeling a small bubble of excitement in his chest. “ _ **I want to recover**_.”


	4. Chapter 4

Months had passed since Baekhyun had said he wanted to recover, that he was finally ready to, and Minseok leant on the practice room wall, watching him. He was no longer skeletal, no longer beautiful as he spun around and jumped into Chanyeol’s arms, as his hoodie bunched up at his elbows, showing tree trunks instead of tiny, sweet twigs, and Minseok looked away. He wanted to be sick. Watching Baekhyun slowly gain weight again ~~and his happiness back~~ made Minseok want to starve into nothingness. He felt large just watching his friend, and he hated himself for it. Maybe Baekhyun had seen the distaste in his eyes, because he was shot a dirty look, and Minseok looked away. He wrapped the blanket that a staff member had given him tighter around himself, ~~not that it was doing him any good~~ and refocused on Jongin showing how to do a move that none of them could get down.  
  
Silence fell across the group as Jongin finished, looking around at them, before he nibbled his lip. “Minseok? Come on give it a try.”  
  
Minseok knew it was a weak, get him out the way so they didn’t have to worry about them, and he quickly folded the blanket up and placed it on a chair, following over to start spinning. He thought about his frame, kept his arms up, and removed one foot from the floor. He could hear Jongin saying, _yes! Arms higher! that’s it you’re getting it!_ before he suddenly couldn’t hear anything at all. All he could hear was buzzing in his ears, and all he could see was multi coloured pixels whizzing around at the speed he was. Vaguely, he heard Lu Han yell his name, and then, before he could put a foot back down on the floor to stop himself, he dropped, his vision going black.  
  
No one moved at first, watching Minseok lay on the floor rather like a rag doll, arm looking like it was broken at the elbow, before Lu Han flew across the room, screaming. The choreographer ran out the room, screaming for help and Junmyeon ran over to kneel next to Minseok. “DON’T MOVE HIM, LU!” Junmyeon gently pushed him back, checking for a pulse on Minseok’s neck. “Someone get me something I can put under his head like a pillow.”  
  
Someone ripped their hoodie off and folded it, and Junmyeon gently lifted Minseok’s head so it could be slid under it. “Did- Did anyone see what happened?”  
  
No one replied before Jongin cleared his throat. “I don’t know he just… he just seemed to start shaking as he spun and then he just dropped.” Junmyeon nodded and gently stroked through Minseok’s hair before moving to ever so gently run a hand over his elbow. “Did he land on his elbow?”  
  
Lu Han nodded. “There was a crack when he did, I thought it was the floor, oh god.” Zitao rushed forward as Lu Han started breaking down, yelling in muffled Chinese as Zitao guided his face to rest against his shoulder. Junmyeon didn’t move, just kept stroking his hand through Minseok’s hair. Silently, Jongdae walked over to Minseok’s bag and yanked it open, shaking as he went through it, looking disgusted the longer and longer he did. Junmyeon raised an eyebrow. “What?”  
  
Jongdae laughed. “How has he got an entire bag full of laxatives, and none of us even know he went out to the shop?”  
  
Everyone went silent until Jongdae finally stood up, holding a notebook in hand. He flicked through it, frowning as the paramedics came in.  
  
Junmyeon looked up quickly and stepped back. “His name is Kim Minseok, he’s 24. He was just spinning and then he passed out. He landed on his elbow and there was a crack, it feels broken.”  
  
The paramedics nodded and started working on Minseok, gently tapping his cheek and asking if he could hear them. Silence fell amongst the room as they carefully pulled his shirt off, freezing when they saw him. No one moved. Lu Han broke into more sobs. Baekhyun ran out the room in tears.   
  
Minseok lay, his body looking wasted, bones protruding from his skin so sharply that they looked like they might cut through his skin at any second. There was no stomach, he had no stomach. His stomach was almost completely flat, dragging the skin tight against his rib cage, making them the most prominent bones on his body. There had to be at least six inches between his belly button and the top of his ribs, showing where his stomach _should_ be, but painfully _wasn’t_. His arms looked like they would snap if you breathed on them, looking long and skeletal, but not beautifully. They looked sickly, like someone had pulled all the meat out and left nothing but bone and skin. The elbow he had landed on was blossoming a violet purple, and Junmyeon looked away.  
  
“When was the last time he ate?”  
  
No one answered. Junmyeon took a breath. “We don’t know. We got him to eat last night but if he kept it in… we have no idea.”  
  
Jongdae cleared his throat. “He’s been tracking his weight I… apparently as of last night he weighs… he weighs only 71 pounds.”  
  
Immediately, the paramedics snapped into action, pulling needles and bags out their work bags, setting up a heart monitor and bracing his arm. Chanyeol stepped forward as they looked for somewhere to hold a bag of fluid, shaking as he held it up so it could start funnelling down into Minsoek’s veins. It took time, and the driver of the ambulance to come through with a gurney, but with a team effort, Minseok was put on top of it, a blanket being draped over him and his face to protect his identity from the large crowd forming outside, before he was rushed off, Lu Han barely having time to sprint out after them.

* * *

The sounds of beeping and crying slowly worked their way into Minseok’s hearing and his head turned to the side, groaning a little. There were a few gasps, and Minseok fluttered his eyes open, weak and tired. “Mom?”  
  
His Mother sat beside him, holding his hand and crying what could only be described as buckets as she lurched forward to gently hug him. Minseok tried to hug back, but felt his arm frozen in place and made a noise, looking down at it. His right arm was in a cast, tied to his chest and he blinked. Shaking his head, he reached up with his left arm to delicately wrap it around his Mother’s back, squeezing her softly. “Hey… I’m okay why are you crying?”  
  
As his Mother leant back, he saw two other people sat by his bed, Lu Han, looking like he’d been crying for hours, and his little sister, looking like she was in shock. Slowly, he sat up and rubbed his head. “What happened?”  
  
Lu Han wiped his eyes. “You passed out in training and broke your elbow.”  
  
Minseok nodded a little and stretched his back a little. “I’m fine, let’s go, we have a come back soon.”  
  
Lu Han slowly shook his head, and his Mother swallowed what looked like a sob. “You’re not going anyway, Minseok.”  
  
“Mom?” Minseok frowned and looked down at his arm, staring at a tube sat in it, filled with a thick liquid. “What the fuck is that?”  
  
“The hospital is getting you some food- MINSEOK NO!”  
  
Lu Han hit the alarm button and Minseok struggled to yank the tube out, panicking and kicking out as his Mother pinned him to the bed, sobbing and screaming to take it out, until there were hands on his legs, and a needle being pushed into his arm. Minseok felt weak, falling back to darkness in seconds.   
  
When he awoke again, he was in a different room, this one not gaudily decorated with fake flowers. His wrists were strapped to the bed he was in, his arm now only in a cast, and he tried to kick out. “What the FUCK?”  
  
The door flew open and a man Minseok could only assume to be a doctor walked in, a bright smile on his face. “You’re awake then?”  
  
“No shit, where am I?” Minseok hated how scared he sounded, looking around a bright white room. There was a bed, a closet, no mirror, and a chest of drawers. Everything was sickeningly white, bright white, and Minseok was surprised it didn’t burn his retinas out.  
  
“You’re in a recovery clinic, Minseok, in Gyeonggi Province.”  
  
Minseok stared for a moment, eyes wide, and shook his head. “No… no this isn’t right I’m fine I don’t need to be here-”  
  
The look from the doctor cut him off and Minseok slumped against the stiff, starchy sheets to close his eyes. Tears formed underneath them and he swallowed. So close to the perfect 65, so close to it, and he ended up here. The doctor was saying something about a food regime, and therapy, but he wasn’t listening. He’d listen later on when he actually gave a shit. Right now, he wanted to be alone, and as the thick liquid in a tube kept pushing into his body, and the door shut as the doctor left, Minseok turned his head into the pillow and let himself bawl himself to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The recovery clinic was sterile. Sterile and white. Cold. It was cold. It was colder than the snow around him, Minseok mused, shoving his hands into the hoodie he was wearing as he trudged down the hallway. He had lost track of how long he had been left in here, abandoned by his friends, his family, and Minseok found himself blinking his tears away again. He took deep breaths and looked up at the ceiling a minute to take a breath before he followed the small line of people who also had visitors today. He wondered for a moment why he was doing this, why he was letting Lu Han see him. He had gained weight - how much, he didn't know, and it killed him - and Lu Han was sure to be disgusted by how he looked. Bile rose in Minseok's throat but he forced it back down, screwing his hands into fists. Maybe if he played along with what they wanted him to do, he could get home quicker, if he went along with their mantras and pretended he took them onboard. He could get back to the dorms, lost the weight and get down to 65 pounds. This time, though, this time, he had to be more careful. He would have to make sure he ate before training, nothing too much, an apple here, maybe some kimchi there, but he could do it. He had been so close, and now he was here. But it wasn't the end of it, he could get back to it, he could get back to being tiny and small and skeletal and look perfect.

Minseok paused outside the visiting room door, leaning on the wall. He stared at his feet, wrapped in soft slippers that were given to him when he first got here, and he closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Lu Han. Lu Han had helped shove him in here, Lu Han had left him in here to rot, and now he wanted to see him? Anger bubbled up in Minseok's chest and he stood up, turning to storm into the visiting room, ready to yell and scream at Lu Han only to pause.

Lu Han was stood next to the window, leaning on the wall and he looked terrible. He didn't look like he was sleeping, and he looked like he was getting skinnier. Minseok could have snorted, but deep down, he knew it was because Lu Han was probably worrying himself sick. Dark bags sat under his eyes, and he looked like he might fall asleep where he stood - until he saw Minseok. Their eyes locked and Lu Han stood up straight, rushing over to wrap his arms tightly around Minseok. His mind screamed at him to shove him off, to scream, but Minseok clung to Lu Han, tears welling up in his eyes. They seeped into the shoulder of Lu Han's shirt, but neither male said anything, just rocking on the spot for a moment. Lu Han's hand moved from Minseok's lower back to curl in his hair, turning his head to kiss his temple. Slowly, they broke apart and walked towards an unoccupied table. Minseok was hesitant to sit down, adjusting his hoodie before he did, but it was unavoidable.

"You're putting some weight on... you look good Minnie."

Minseok smiled weakly and looked down. He didn't respond to that, and Lu Han must have known he wouldn't because he cleared his throat. "The managers want you back soon, and the hospital wants to let you go. They say you're doing really well..."

"When do I get out?" Minseok looked up quickly, eyes slightly wide. He was desperate to get out, leg starting to jog under the table.

"When you get to 133 pounds, Minseok." Lu Han reached out across the table to gently take Minseok's hand, squeezing them softly.

Minseok thought his heart stopped for a moment, staring at Lu Han's hands wrapped around his own. He could vomit, there and then, coating Lu Han in it, coating himself, and every bright white surface in this shit storm. He closed his eyes a moment and just nodded, slowly, before he let himself sit up straight. That was doable. He could easily get back down from that, it wouldn't be the end of the world - even if it felt his entire body was exploding already. He took a deep breath. When he got out he could easily start back from the beginning, get down in weight again - it wouldn't be too hard.

The thought kept him going as he hugged Lu Han goodbye and they kissed through their tears, hands fisted in each other's clothes. The thought kept him going as he slowly stopped sneaking exercise in the bathrooms at night, trying his best to ignore the feeling of ballooning up every time he said no to the small group that went. The thought kept him going every day until he was dragged out of breakfast one morning - not that he was complaining - and back into a therapist's office. He had frowned as he had been directed to sit down, and he looked around. EXO's manager stood against the wall, looking determined, Lu Han sat in a chair along with Junmyeon, both men looking defeated and angry. Minseok kept himself to himself, picking at his fingernails as he stared into his lap.

Then, the argument started. Minseok was a healthy weight, not ideal, and this wasn't out to the public - they needed him to be released so he could be there for the comeback, so he could record and train and be on stage for when they did their first EXOPLANET tour. Lu Han and Junmyeon were against it, he wasn't healthy yet, he still needed help and a lot of it, a few months - three months stuck in this place wasn't going to help him, and they needed to be more aware of that. The manager snorted, the therapist tried to calm things down, Minseok wondered why his parents weren't here to argue for him to remain in here.

Hours ticked by, Minseok didn't say a word. The therapist managed to calm both parties by allowing Minseok to leave, but a therapist would continue to visit him and work with him and track his weight. Minseok cursed internally. Everyone slouched. Minseok stood up. "So do I pack now or later?"

The therapist sighed and waved him out the room, signaling for him to go and pack. Minseok smiled as he stalked the corridors, head held high.

For the first time in three months, he felt _**alive**_.


	6. Please Eat

It wasn't easier when Minseok got back. It was worse, everything was fucking worse, as he stared at the mahogany table in front of him in the meeting room. Someone was already crying, probably Sehun or Zitao, but Minseok just felt numb. He was aware of a few worried looks being shot his way, but he ignored them, digesting the news the ten had just been given.

Lu Han would be leaving, and would be gone by the time they got back to the dorms. He wouldn't say goodbye, he wouldn't give them hugs and he wouldn't be visiting. That was it. The awkward, wary speech their manager had given them was it. That was to be their goodbye.

Minseok looked up around everyone. It was Zitao crying, clinging to Yixing as he wailed softly, eye make up clearly running and ruining the white shirt Yixing was wearing. Yixing himself looked like he was in shock, staring at their managed and just swallowing. Baekhyun was staring into his lap, tears falling silently. Chanyeol, Sehun and Jongdae all looked like they were about to burst into tears. Jongin and Kyungsoo were clinging to each others hands, pale faced and looking like they were fighting tears. Junmyeon was trying to digest the news and figure out what to do. Minseok swallowed.

Of course Lu Han ran. Minseok looked down at his stomach, prominent in the shirt he was wearing, and forced himself to look at the floor. He was bloating up and looking more like an elephant every day. He'd run too. He'd leave and break up with himself, not face to face, too. He wouldn't say goodbye, he'd delete number and never look back. Free from the clutches of some fat monster that would squash him in bed-

"Minseok?"

Minseok looked up, shocked from the sudden mention of his name, and blinked. "Yeah?" Everyone was staring at him, looking worried, and he shook his head. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

Everyone looked hesitant, judging whether he was truthful or not, before they were excused to go back to the dorm. Minseok played with his fingers the whole drive, stuck thinking. Lu Han had his reasons for leaving, probably the same as Yifan, but it still hurt. It still felt like it was his own fault. Heck - it probably was his fault, as he mechanically got out the car, following everyone.

Zitao sprinted off ahead, tears pouring down his face, and Minseok suddenly felt his face wet, tearing after him. They sprinted towards Minseok's room, and Minseok collapsed to his knees when they got there.

Empty.

Lu Han's bed was stripped and bare. His clothes were gone. His phone charger. His books from the bedside table. His jacket from the back of the door. The closet was still open - and only Minseok's clothes remained in there. There were one or two hoodies left, ones that Minseok loved to wear when he was too cold, but they'd recently been washed and Lu Han hadn't worn them. They'd just smell of fabric conditioner.

Minseok wasn't aware of his body wracking with sobs until someone hugged him gently. Blind from his own tears, he shakily reached up, just gripping onto whoever arms were around his chest, letting his sobs pass over his lips, trying to remember how to breathe. He felt sick. His stomach was obvious to him and he ripped free, running to the bathroom. He was aware of a weak _Minseok no!_ but the door was already locked, his fingers down his throat as he coaxed whatever was left of his breakfast back out. Someone was pounding on the door, but he didn't care. He kept going, kept going until all he could taste was bile, mixing with the iron of blood from his throat lining. Tears fell into the mess in the toilet, and Minseok collapsed to the floor, sobbing into the toilet mat.

He didn't know how long it took until the door finally got opened and there was a soft _shit_. The toilet flushed as someone picked Minseok up, still sobbing. He never found out where they were taking him, passing out in their arms from pure exhaustion before they even left the bathroom.

\--

 _I'm not hungry_  became Minseok's most used phrase again, and Jongdae watched on quietly as Minseok took to bed. Junmyeon had insisted he dorm with someone, refusing him the simple request to be alone. He had kicked off many times but he knew he couldn't be trusted. Everyone could see him struggling not to fall in to old habits, and everyone did their best to understand.

Jongdae had slipped away a few times from the dorm to go to a local eating disorder support group and had burst into tears as he asked them for help. He didn't know how to help his best friend and they'd allowed him to listen. To ask questions.

Likely, they'd said, the rejection had caused a blow back of feelings of not being good enough. Of not being perfect. He needed time and validation and he needed to talk to the therapist that Jongdae mentioned vaguely earlier.

Easier said than done.

Minseok locked the door when his therapist showed up, refusing him entry and kicking off when anyone else let him in. He retreated from meals, wouldn't let anyone trick him into eating. He was hyper aware of everything, and Jongdae could only watch as all the weight Minseok had finally gained over tour quickly disappeared.

He started whining about being cold again, he spent most of his time throwing up if they got him to eat and they were clueless.

Jongdae sighed as he heard Minseok whimper from cold again, and he got into the bed with him. Minseok made a noise and Jongdae wrapped his arms around him. "You're perfect, you know?"

"Obviously not."

"Forget Lu."

Minseok scoffed, but rolled over, cuddling close into Jongdae's warmth. He seemed content there, nuzzling into Jongdae's shoulder and yawned softly.

They stayed that way for hours, Minseok falling in and out of sleep as Jongdae ran his hand up and down his back before there was a knock at the door. They both jumped, sleepily looking at the door where Junmyeon was stood. The serious tone his face had caused a few anxious bubbles in Jongdae's stomach and he blinked. "Everything okay?"

"Lu Han just released his first single. Yixing says Minseok should listen to it."

There was silence, before finally, Minseok moved. He let himself be lead to Junmyeon's joint dorm with Yixing, who was already sat with a notebook in front of his Macbook. Jongdae rubbed Minseok's back as he sat down and hovered behind him as he gently put the earphones in before staring dully at the music video open. Jongdae watched Yixing hit play and swallowed.

\--

_if only i could love you enough to give you what you need_   
_if only i could be for you the hand that feeds_   
_cause i know you can only starve so much_   
_til you like how it feels_   
_sitting on a throne of bones_   
_staring at that cold meal_

_it's not your body that i love_   
_but it's the shell you're inside of_   
_and you're killing it, you're killing_   
_the only piece of you i can touch_   
_it's not your body that i need_   
_but that's what sleeps next to me_   
_and you're killing it, you're killing it_   
_you're killing it_   
_please eat_

_if only i could make you believe you deserve everything_   
_every spoon and bite, anything, you want to eat_   
_cause i know can only starve so much_   
_before you'll die_   
_there's parts of you already gone_   
_i can never revive_

\--

Minseok listened to the song, reading the Korean lyrics Yixing has translated, swallowing hard. It was a beautiful song, and the description of the video simply said _M_ , there was no doubt this was for Minseok.

The video was simple; Lu Han singing as he plucked at his guitar, along with stats of eating disorder deaths and diagnosis, and a helpline at the end.

Tears pricked hard in Minseok's eyes and he had to blink rapidly to clear them. Jongdae leaned down, wrapping his arms around him with a gentle squeeze. "Should we go grab a salad?"

Minseok stayed silent, listening to the song again, staring at Lu Han, obviously crying in some shots. He swallowed as it ended again, and gently tugged his earphones out.

"Salad... Salad sounds okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> https://youtu.be/55nlc8kBI7Y


	7. Chapter 7

Minbear, 9:17am: _Why is there no food in this dorm?_ _  
_ Minbear, 9:20am: _WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE WENT SHOPPING IN THIS DAMN APARTMENT_ _  
_ Minbear: 9:37am: _I’m ordering take out without you losers, ha suckers_   
Minbear: 10:58am: my chinese food still isn’t here guys i require assistance

Minbear 11:27am: _STOP IGNORING MY TEXTS SOMEONE COME MAKE ME FOOD_ _  
_ Minbear 11:39am: _never mind !!!! my chinese got here!!_   
Minbear, 12:48am: _wait i have regrets my tum hurts :(_ _  
_ Minbear, 12:51am: _jongdae, junmyeon, jongin i need one of u to come rub my tummy it hurts ;;_   
  
There were shocked looks around the room as everyone settled down during a break. No one dared say anything, nor text anything to the small spam. They’d left Minseok, weak and barely awake in the dorms. The manager promised to check in on him and make sure he at least ate a small meal. They had expected some texts during dance practice, but nothing like this.   
  
Junmyeon was the one to lift the phone to his ear. “Minseok! Are you alright..? Your tum hurts? Alright why don’t you have a hot bubble bath? We’ll be back in about an hour- yeah no no we’ll bring acid reflux tablets with us. Sure thing. See you soon.” Junmyeon hung up the phone and looked around the group with wide eyes. “He’s actually eaten- he said he, he wanted to try and get better but now his stomach hurts.”   
  
Smiles broke around the group and Jongdae was the first on his feet. He tugged his jacket on, ignoring the protests of the choreographer. Junmyeon waved them off and explained the situation as Jongdae ran out the room. He sprinted down, yelling at one of the managers to take him back to the dorm. Seunghwan eagerly followed and drove as quickly as the law and traffic would allow.   
  
Jongdae bounced his leg nervously in the back seat, checking his phone. Minseok hadn’t sent anything since, and he was getting worried. Had he changed his mind? Forced himself to be ill to remove the food from his body? Would he get back to Minseok laying in the bathroom, crying and choking on his tears? Anxiety wrapped around Jongdae’s chest and he forced himself to focus on nothing else but his breathing. If Minseok did relapse, he needed to be level headed to help him out.   
  
But, when the car parked and Jongdae sprinted to the dorm, he found the opposite.   
  
Minseok was sat on the couch, frowning and rubbing his slightly swollen stomach. Jongdae let out a breath. “Hey, I was summoned for tummy rubs?”   
  
Minseok sat up with a smile and rubbed his eyes. “You didn’t have to come back early.”   
  
Jongdae shrugged and hung his jacket up. He fished his deodorant out his bag to give himself a quick spray instead of a shower. He collapsed on the couch and Minseok shifted so his back was against Jongdae’s chest. Jongdae wrapped both arms around him, one keeping him gently in place as his other hand began rubbing gentle circles against Minseok’s stomach, Minseok huffed and settled down, eyes closing. Jongdae kissed his temple.   
  
How long had passed? It had been about four months now, since Lu Han had left. Since Minseok had relapsed so terribly they weren’t sure if he would come out of it. Jongdae turned his head to look at the neatly stacked plates on the coffee table.   
  
It looked like Minseok had just ordered plain boiled rice and just some lemon chicken, and had started on the small bag of prawn crackers. That was a decent enough meal. Not much of it remained on the plate and Jongdae hugged Minseok a little tighter - making sure his arms weren’t too tight around his stomach.   
  
Minseok sighed softly, something out of content, and twisted his body. He lay so their chests were pressed together, moving to interlink their fingers. Jongdae’s heart leapt a moment and he buried his face in Minseok’s hair.   
  
Jongdae didn’t remember when over the past four months he had fallen for the too small man. He didn’t remember when waking up to find Minseok in his bed, too cold for his own, made him smile. He didn’t remember when Minseok’s little nose scrunch had become the most adorable thing in the world. He couldn’t recall when Minseok’s little hiccups and yawns were the cutest sound available for him to hear.   
There was a time before when Jongdae didn’t hyperfocus on Minseok. Well, worry about him and focus on keeping him safe, of course. But Minseko was now the only thing in Jongdae’s vision and mind. He didn’t remember when that had happened.   
Jongdae couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t think about kissing the man’s pale pink lips; holding his hand and laughing as they watched some dumb romantic movie. Taking Minseok out on one of his dream dates. Writing foolish little love notes for Minseok to find around the dorm.   
Minseok had become Jongdae’s world and that was terrifying. Even with this step forward, he would still find a way to step back - hopefully not, but usually, if there was a way, Minseok would find it. It’s terrifying because Jongdae can’t imagine going back to sleeping alone and being in a room by himself. That’s horrifying because one day Minseok might not be with them.   
  
The thought chilled Jongdae to the core. Minseok leaned up, blearily blinking. “Dae? Why are you crying?”   
  
Jongdae felt the tears that were slipping, previously unknown, down his cheeks and he sniffed. “Doesn’t matter.”   
  
Minseok wiped a few of them away before he settled down on Jongdae’s chest. “Stop worrying so much about me.”   
  
Jongdae gently rubbed his back. “It’s hard not to, Minbear.”   
  
“I know.” Minseok sniffed, his voice betraying that he was fighting his own tears. “I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be normal. I hate that this fucking demon is eating me away and doesn’t let me do anything without it controlling me. I hate that I terrify you all, I hate that you wake up sweating and gently check to see if I’m breathing. I hate that I’m worrying you all so much. I want this to be over.   
I want to get better, I want to be like Baekhyun. He looks so happy and carefree now. I want to be human again, but I’m so scared. Trying to step out of this… this cold winter that I’m stuck in. It’s scary because it’s all I’ve known since debut. It’s all I’ve known since Lil Fattie and EXO’s Chubby One. It’s all I’ve known for so long and stepping away from it… it feels like leaving behind an old friend and it’s scary, Dae.”   
  
Jongdae scrubbed his face hard before he shifted. They were sitting up a little now and Jongdae gently wiped at Minseok’s tears. “Listen. I know it’s scary. Baekhyun’s told us how scary it was for him. I’ve no doubts it is for you as well. And I won’t understand it fully, no matter how hard I try. But I’m here. We’re here. We’re here for you every single step, holding your hand and guiding you. We’re here for every single step. We’re not going anywhere, not unless you’re with us.”   
  
Minseok smiled weakly and buried his face in Jongdae’s neck, sniffing. Jongdae squeezed him gently. “We’re gonna get you through this. I don’t care how long we have to fight. If I have to personally fight the fans, I will. The way they’ve treated you is disgusting and they don’t deserve to call themselves a fan. You are you, and you were perfect. You are perfect. You just have to keep fighting it.”   
  
Minseok was quiet for a moment, his hand gently tracing over Jongdae’s collar bones before he sat up. Jongdae didn’t know what to expect, but he definitely wasn’t expecting Minseok’s soft, gentle lips to press against his. It was delicate, but there was something like desperation behind it, and Jongdae kissed back. His hand curled around the back of Minseok’s neck, holding him close. They stayed that way a few seconds before Minseok pulled back a little.   
  
“I can do this. I can get through this.”   
  
Jongdae smiled softly and squeezed the back of Minseok’s neck before dropping his hand to squeeze his tiny hand as hard as he dared. “You’re gonna get through this.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah this is almost done ;; it feels so strange 
> 
> Please enjoy the last final chapters and don't be so sad TT I have a happy xiuchen coming out soon!

Things don't get better over the next five months. Minseok tries to eat with them. Jongdae gently feeds his small boyfriend. He eats and eats but he bokes and looks alarmed, running out from the living room afterwards. His body rejects the food he tries to eat. Worry gets worse around the group. They start making mistakes and get lectured. Minseok cries most nights because he's so  _ hungry, Jongdae, I'm so hungry it hurts. _ Night time snacks are kept inside for a little longer until his stomach grumbles angrily.

Minseok starts smelling of vomit permanently. He can't make a dance practice without sitting down dizzy or running for his snack to be expelled from his body. The managers worry. His family visits more as he gets scarily thin. His skin might as well not exist; he's a walking skeleton. Jongdae hates the sick irony; he despises it. Sometimes he finds himself vomiting into the toilet, unable to take the worry.

For years, Minseok's tried to look like this. For so long, he's desperately tried to become this skeleton. Now, he's trying to recover and his body plays a sick joke on him. Jongdae doesn't give up. He keeps trying, does hours and hours of research until he falls asleep at his laptop. Minseok begs him to sleep more and he tries. Nightmares follow him. Nightmares of waking up and Minseok doesn't wake up no matter how much he tries to shake him, no matter all the screaming.

Jongdae thinks he's dreaming when Minseok doesn't wake up. A feeling of something being wrong had woken him up, but he wouldn't be surprised if it was a hallucination.

He went about the usual routine, almost bored, as he shakes Minseok, screaming. But then, Junmyeon and Chanyeol are running in. Jongdae's blood ran cold. Chanyeol takes over, bellowing and screaming and Jongdae desperately felt for a pulse. It's there, Minseok's heart beating weak and sick. His breaths are so short they're barely there at all. The paramedics are there within minutes and Jongdae cries as he takes Minseok's tiny, tiny hand the entire way to the hospital. 

He's pulled back when Minseok is rushed off for tests and scans, breathing mask the only thing providing his chest with the vital gas. Jongdae shakes against the wall. He can't find his own oxygen to suck down into his lungs. Voices are there, Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongin. Minseok's mother is there, sobbing as she asks desperately for answers. All Jongae can do is shake his head, repeat  _ I don't know I don't know I'm sorry. _

Hours tick by before a doctor comes out and leads Minseok's family through. Jongdae tries to follow but the doctor insists family only, giving him a mild glare. He doesn't care; he doesn't care about the homophobia as he shakes. He bawls into his hands and someone rubs his back. Things are running through his mind at a million miles an hour.

Is Minseok going to come home? Will the current light pink hair tickle his nose at night? Will small hands curl around his waist with a small whining voice? Will Minseok's sweet, feline eyes open again? Did Jongdae wake up too late, pushing the feeling off as he gripped desperately to sleep? Had he inadvertently caused Minseok's death because he just wanted sleep?

Tears poured down his face. Junmyeon's voice was by his ear, trying to comfort him. The thought sticks in his head. Did he cause Minseok to die?

The question haunts him until Minseok's sister comes back out. She ushers him inside a small room and Jongdae almost starts crying again. In bed, surrounded by machines, Minseok looks so much tinier, skeletal and child's height. There's barely an indentation of him under the blanket. His chest rattles as machines keep him breathing. So many tubes and wires run into him; Jongdae loses count after eight.

Minseok's sister and mother cry softly. Jongdae slowly sits next to Minseok, perched on the end of the bed. His hand finds his too small boyfriend's, and he starts to weep again. He leans down and cries into Minseok's shoulder, cries and cries until he's pretty sure he strained his vocal chords. He whimpers then, the soft delicate sounds being lost to Minseok's too taut skin.

“His stomach-”

Jongdae bolts upright at the sound of Minseok's Mother's voice.

“His stomach- it's She starts crying again. “It's not used to food. It can't handle it when he eats. His body is eating itself.” She breaks off and Jongdae awkwardly moved. His limbs feel disjointed as he hugs her tightly.

Minseok's sister lets out a heavy breath. “They think… They think over time he'll be okay. He just needs to adjust to eating portions and making them bigger. But it's going to take so much time. He's going to need to be on the machines for so long. So long…” She drifts off and Jongdae offers his hand.

They cling to each other and cry. They cry together until Minseok's family leaves because they have things to do, people to call. Jongdae knows partly they might even start planning a funeral. It chills him.

Minseok's golden brown eyes open a few hours later, confused and scared. Jongdae cries gently and wipes Minseok's tears away as he gently explains. Minseok cries harder. Jongdae can't stop himself crying heavier.

Carefully, he lays on the bed and holds Minseok awkwardly to his chest. “I'm here. I told you, no matter what, I'm here.”

He keeps whispering it as Minseok cries. Jongdae keeps whispering it after Minseok falls back to sleep.

Because no matter what, how long it takes, he's going to be there. Jongdae isn't sure if he's convincing himself or Minseok. He doesn't let the nurses move him. He falls asleep, laid against Minseok's tiny frame, tears dotting his own eyelashes as a, thankfully, dreamless sleep takes Jongdae from the harsh world he's been dragged into.


	9. Chapter 9

Jongdae might as well change his address to Severance Hospital's resident mail room. He wakes up holding Minseok's hand, gets escorted to the SM building for training and recording, he eats lunch, he trains, he finishes at 1am, he heads back to Severance and falls asleep holding Minseok's hand. He doesn't offer a glance to the multitude of fans that are always outside, always outside in silent support since the news finally broke. He's grateful they never take photos; he looks terrible. Pale and withdrawn, almost sick. They all nod and part as he enters and leaves, never mobbing, never screaming, they cry in silence and Jongdae's tears join them.

It's been three months since Minseok was admitted permanently. His tiny frame is still so tiny, but not as bad as it once was. He's gaining weight, slowly. His bones are still so prominent, but not directly under skin as they once were. He's gained hardly any weight but the doctor's assure them that the five kilograms he's gained over the months is good, and it's progress. Eventually, he'll be okay. His body is reacting to treatment and his stomach is accepting tiny portions of food.

It makes Jongdae sick, as he sits with Minseok during a day off. He's smiling and babbling about work and fans and how quiet the dorm is without Minseok's constant nagging about the dorm not being clean. Minseok smiles behind dull eyes, attentive, listening. Jongdae stops talking.

“What's wrong?”

Minseok shakes his head. “I'm just tired.”

Jongdae slips into the bed, abandoning his chair, and holds Minseok against his chest. “Sleep then. I've got you.”

Minseok shakes his head again before he leans it against Jongdae's shoulder. “I'm tired just. Mentally. Emotionally. I'm so tired. But I'll wake up from sleep and it won't be any better. Sleeping doesn't make it any better. I just feel worse when I wake up.”

Jongdae gently runs a hand through Minseok's hair and presses a kiss there. “You can bring the IV bag with you, right?”

Last month, the machines keeping him alive had been turned off; the doctor's explained he only needed oxygen when sleeping, and an IV would provide an almost constant stream of nutrition to his body.

Minseok nodded. “It's portable, yeah.”

“Then… I know you're still struggling to eat but why don't we go get something in the food court? Eat outside for a little bit. Get you out of this room and a change of scenery? Some fresh air might do you some good.”

Minseok doesn't acknowledge it at all for a moment, staring at the wall before he gently nods. He sits up and Jongdae stands. Carefully, Jongdae helps him into the child sized tracksuit bottoms and helps him with a hoodie, rolling the sleeve up away from the IV. He helps Minseok stand and wraps an arm around him to help him walk as Minseok's hand takes the cold, sterile pole and drags it next to them as they start walking.

It takes close to twenty minutes to make the five minute walk. Minseok having to stop and sit down too often for Jongdae's liking; body weak and not used to even walking. Jongdae strokes his hair each time and whispers praise and love and Minseok smiles. Jongdae laughs and gently lifts Minseok, arm around his hip as he gently jogs them over the black tiles that marks the start of the food court.

“And Kim Minseok has done it! A gold medal for South Korea in the one hundred metres sprint! Another achievement for this amazing young man!”

Minseok bursts into laughter, wincing a little as he's set back down. “Fucking nerd.”

Jongdae laughed and spotted some of their group sat at a table just outside of the Burger King. Junmyeon waves and Minseok manages a small wave in return. It takes them much too long to potter over and Jongdae doesn't miss the worried glances as Sehun hope up to gently tug a chair out for Minseok.

Minseok sits down heavily, panting and coughing for a moment. “Hey guys.”

Everyone immediately descends into smiles and greetings as Jongdae goes to get his own food. He looks behind him to smile as he sees Minseok descend on Jongin, sat next to him, leaning on the younger to stop him from stealing a fry. They're all laughing and Minseok doesn't seem so fragile anymore, as he delicately chews on the fry. Jongdae smiles and turns his head to order. He returns quickly to sit next to Minseok. Minseok has his head lazily in his hand, smiling as Junmyeon recounts Sehun's latest mess up in practice - he'd overturned a spin and fallen over, back hitting the mirror - which had smashed every mirror along the wall of them. Sehun blushed darkly and hid his face in his food.

Minseok's hand appeared in front of Jongdae and he looked up, surprised and wounded as Minseok stole his drink with a pale pink tongue sticking out. “I'm sick be nice to me.”

The table descends into laughter and Jongdae shakes his head as he starts his burger. They end up in gentle chatter as Minseok steals fries from everyone, sticking his perfect little tongue at them every single time. No one swatted him away, other than Sehun, who did so with a smile before dropping a few in front of Minseok.

It wasn't long before the others finished and wished Minseok sweet goodbyes and waves and Jongdae stood up. Minseok followed suite and took Jongdae's hand with a bright smile. Jongdae slowly lead them outside, to the enclosed and private garden the hospital boasted, and they walked around quietly. Minseok's breath wheezed in his chest, but he laced their fingers tight and rested his head on Jongdae's shoulder.

They admired the flowers in silence together, smiles and giggles at each other and Jongdae watches on in awe as a large butterfly lands on Minseok's skeletal finger. Neither male moves, just stares at it in shock and admiration, before it begins it's fluttering and disappears to the flowers behind them.

Minseok winces as he draws a strong breath and worry pierces Jongdae's heart. "Minseok? Are you alright?"

Minseok nods and stares up at the sky, a half smile on his face. "Thank you. I wanted to get our that room one last... Thank you. I needed this."

"One last time?" Jongdae frowned. "Minseok, what do you mean?"

Minseok shakes his head with a smile. "They're moving me to another ward tomorrow. Again. It's just nice for a break. My head's a little jumbled, don't worry."

Jongdae does worry, his hand rubbing circles into the small of Minseok's back. He starts falling asleep and Jongdae lets him. Jongdae holds him tight and slowly carries him back to his room and his bed when Minseok does eventually drift off. Jongdae seeks out Minseok's doctor and checks with him one last time that, yes, Minseok is recovering. His head is likely confused and exhausted, and mixing words up is common and nothing to worry about.

Jongdae nods and leaves, back through the fans and the crowds to the manager car waiting for him. He's sleeping in the dorm tonight, a solid, good night's sleep in a bed. It doesn't feel right to leave Minseok alone tonight, but their managers and the doctors insist on it. He needs a decent rest if he's going to be a support line for Minseok and Jongdae eventually agreed.

He doesn't find his own mattress and sheets, though. He lays in Minseok's bed, smells the scent of Minseok's unique fabric conditioner. Tears well in his eyes as he thinks about how much he misses Minseok. How much he'd give up just to have Minseok home for one, for one single night. He falls asleep, crying softly behind his eyelids.

\--

Jongdae knows he shouldn't have slept at the dorm and left Minseok alone. He knows it when Minseok's sister wakes him up with a phone call at four twenty-seven in the morning. Somehow, he already knows what she's going to say before he answers.

_Come to the hospital. Now._

And Jongdae wakes half the dorm, rushing to get dressed and slamming doors as he looks for the nearest taxi. And he ignores the calls to his phone, the constant texts asking what's going on. And he ignores the solemn faced doctor as he tries to talk to Jongdae.

And he ignores Minseok's sister and mother and father, all crying around the edges of the room.

Jongdae ignores everything except Minseok. Minseok, pale and unmoving in his bed. Minseok, a smile on his cold lips and a far away look in his foggy eyes. Minseok, his face violently bare.

And Jongdae shakes his shoulder gently and whispers Minseok's name. He shakes Minseok more violently and isn't aware of his voice turning into desperate screams that probably alert everyone in the hospital. He's not aware of hands tugging him away.

Jongdae buries his face in Minseok's chest and sobs and howls. He waits to feel Minseok's heart beat – for Minseok to sit up and laugh and punch Jongdae's shoulder because _ha, I got you!_

"He disconnected and removed his own breathing machine." It's Minseok's sister talking, his parents too busy sobbing. "He left a note... I..."

Jongdae sits up, slowly, stares at her as she holds it out. Jongdae takes it and slowly reads it through tears.

.

_I'm sorry. I know you all wanted me to get better, and I know it's what I wanted, but I can't take this anymore. I can't keep living on a machine, having food inserted directly into my stomach. I'm too active for this, I want to do too much. Laying curled up in a bed for years whilst I recover from this isn't something I can do._  
_I want to be free._  
_I don't want to be trapped anymore. I want to spread my wings and fly again. I can't handle one more day in this stupid room, staring out at the night sky as I struggle for a simple breath._  
_This isn't the route that my life was supposed to take. I don't belong in this life. Maybe it's my punishment for not listening. For not getting help sooner. For not trying. For trying for the wrong things. I had everything I could have ever wished for and I threw it all away to lose some weight._  
_And I know it's not really my fault; life is harsh and sometimes you get a shitty hand. Maybe I could have fully recovered and lived a full and... Well a normal life. But I can't stay like this anymore._  
_Please don't see this as a coward move. Or a punishment to any of you. Or even dishonourable. If you do, I understand. But please understand. For me, being confined like this isn't for me. I'm spreading my wings now._

_Mom, Dad. Sis, Jongdae. My brothers._  
_Yes, I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight; I'm watching over you from the clouds above and sending down the purest and whitest dove to watch over you, and be my helpful eye._  
_I'll still be here, watching you. Please don't cry too long. Please don't cry too hard. This is what I want and I'm so sorry I've had to hurt you like this. It's over for me but please carry on for me._

_Hold your heads high. Wipe each others tears. Support each other. And make a legacy._

_Help others. Save others from this._

_Chanyeol and brothers - this might be very triggering for Baekhyun. If he relapses please don't be angry with him. Support him. Look after him. Let him escape this when I couldn't._

_Jongdae, in my bedside drawer here at the hospital, there's a burned DVD. Please take it. You'll know what to do with it._

_I love you all so much. I'll be watching you and sending you the best I possibly can. I hope you all get through this and we don't see each other too soon._

_Your lover, son, brother._

.

Jongdae reads the note again and again until the words begin to blur. He blinks his eyes dry and hands the note back to Minseok's sister before he stands. He finds the DVD easily labelled today's date with _-J_ on the disc.

Jongdae looks at Minseok and leans forward. He pressed a kiss to Minseok's forehead and promises he'll see him again – but not soon. Jongdae will see him when he's 80 or 90 and his grandkids are grown and he could swear he feels Minseok hug him before he leaves to break the news at the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the wording for the letter came from the sadly beautiful song _Her Last Words_ by Courtney Parker – severe suicide trigger warning 
> 
> Just the epilogue to go TT


	10. Chapter 10

EXO stood together on the stage at their first show for The EXO'rDIUM. Ten of them stood on stage, hands tight together as they came together for their last ment of the night. The screaming from fans suddenly became subdued, more quiet. They all knew what the group was going to address; the massive event that had occurred three months ago. Fans and banners of Minseok began to be raised, bright white and blue – not black.

It had been Junmyeon who had gone to the EXO-L app and had asked those in mourning not to wear black if they could help it. They wanted to remember Minseok for who he was; bright and bubbly and the light of their lives. The fans were decorated with soft winter colours, banners showing merely snow falling, and countless white jackets. They weren't offended when nearly every jacket said _99_ _ _XIUMIN.__ They smiled when they saw the jerseys and jackets had sold out on every official site. The proceeds had gone to a beautiful funeral and a party afterwards – a party so that people would stop crying and could enjoy themselves; no more tears as per Minseok's final wishes.

Jongdae finally let go of his brothers' hands and slowly stepped forward. He leant down to take the microphone from the knelt down staff member and slowly looked around the arena. It went silent. He swallowed.

"We thought about how to do this so many times. We threw away so many ideas, asked you guys for ideas, deleted our messages asking for requests. We spent ages with his family looking for the best way to make tonight a night for Minseok." The name sounded foreign on Jongdae's tongue – he hadn't said it much since the funeral, trying his best to avoid tears. "One thing is for sure, we don't want tonight to be about mourning. We know that many of you probably want a moment for us to cry, all of us to just huddle together and take a moment to remember who he was and we will be. But, as per Minseok's last wishes, he asked specifically that we didn't cry so much. So tonight is going to be about having fun. Progressing. Moving on. What Minseok wanted, what he asked us to do in his final words. We'll have some time to cry, and for you all to take time, but after that, we're going to visit some new, unheard songs.  
It warms my heart to the core to see that no one here wore merch for any of us. That may seem incredibly strange for us but I think we're all happy to see you all supporting Minseok and not abandoning him for his final choice. It's been a hard three months with everything and seeing you all supporting us and him is amazing. I know that he's looking down right now, blushing and scowling because he hates being the full centre of attention."

Jongdae dropped the microphone for a second and smiled as everyone laughed around the arena before he looked down at his hands.

"Before we move on with the EXO'rDIUM, there's something we wanted to do. There's two songs we want to perform tonight and it'll be in remembrance of Minseok. You won't know these songs – one was made by Minseok whilst he was in the hospital, the other, by us in the last few weeks. We're going to ask you to keep your lightsticks off for these two songs. We want focus on these songs, what they mean; what they mean for us, for Minseok and for people in the future. Minseok wanted us to start a legacy and to help save others in the future from the mental health issue that killed him and we're doing just that."

Jongdae smiled as Junmyeon stepped forward, a smile on his face with his own microphone.

"The two songs that Chen mentioned. Both of these songs will be released only on iTunes and fellow sites in which they need to be bought, tomorrow night. They will drop at midnight. The music videos won't be released for a few weeks, a date has yet to be set. This seems harsh, and it gives fans without money no chance to properly listen to them. This has been done for a purpose."

Junmyeon stopped and wrapped an arm around Baekhyun as he stepped forward. There was loud gasping as everyone saw how tiny he was after such a bad relapse with his anorexia.

Baekhyun had struggled for the past three months, desperately clinging to the surface of the world and falling off time and time again. But they'd listened to Minseok and couldn't find it in then to be angry for even half an inch. Baekhyun grinned out at the crowd and waved weakly.

"I'm sure all those gasps were the shock of realising just how skinny I've become. The truth of it is, I also suffered – I still suffer – with anorexia. And it's such a horrible disease that's just pushed under the rug and whispered about and ignored. It's terrifying. If I hadn't gotten to a point where I wanted to start recovery, I could have easily followed in Minseok's footsteps. Seeing me recover was something I know brought Minseok so much happiness; seeing me gain weight and find my happiness again. Relapsing after he passed was... It was a vicious cycle. But I'm back on my feet again, and I did a lot of thinking about what Minseok said about wanting a legacy.   
And thus, I came up with a really obvious but sweet idea. As of three minutes ago, the Xiu Foundation for Eating Disorders finally opened and went live. It's a charity with a helpline and website, with everything, for anyone with an eating disorder. People can get help, family members can seek advice, anything. The reason the songs you're soon to hear are purchase only for the first few weeks is that every single piece of money they earn is going to the Foundation."

Cheering and whooping went out around the crowd and Chanyeol stood forward to hold Baekhyun tightly. He shivered and cuddled back into the taller man's warmth, tugging his white jacket tightly around him.

Jongdae looked around the stadium and waited for the cheering to stop before he lifted his microphone. "The first thing we're going to do, is show you all the video and song that Minseok produced in his hospital room. This was a. Very personal decision for us and his family to make, to share it with you all. Please give it the respect that it's due, that's all we ask. Even if you think it's the worst song ever, please, just give Minseok respect. Everything you're about to see and hear was made by Minseok."

Lightstick all over the arena switched off and they were soon in almost darkness as the large screen behind them began to whir like an old VCR.

* * *

The video faded in, a video clip of Minseok in the training room long before debut, grinning and smiling, pulling funny faces as he posed for selcas with Yifan and Zitao. It jumped to Sehun and Minseok throwing food at each other, laughing brightly before Minseok's voice began to sound in the background.

_I saw the light fade from the sky_   
_On the wind I heard a sigh_   
_As the snowflakes cover my fallen brothers_   
_I will say this last goodbye_

EXO as twelve, curled together in the dorm. It was an old recording of them watching a film as Chanyeol and Baekhyun ended up in a popcorn fight, Junmyeon throwing a pillow at them. Lu Han and Minseok were stood on the couch, clinging and laughing as they tried to avoid the sticky food.   
It cut again to them recording at the beach, after recording – night falling and snow slowly falling in the harsh winter months and they had a snowball fight before dunking each other in the freezing cold ocean.

_Night is now falling_   
_So ends this day_   
_The road is now calling_   
_And I must away_   
_Over hill and under tree_   
_Through lands where never light has shone_   
_By silver streams that run down to the sea_

Minseok, later on after Yifan had left. Curled up on the couch, learning guitar from Chanyeol. His face was furrowed and his tongue stuck out as he tried to copy the chords that Chanyeol was playing, huffing as he failed. Within seconds, they were in a tickle fight, Minseok's face and eyes bright and wide as he tried to protect from Chanyeol's onslaught.

_Under cloud, beneath the stars_   
_Over snow one winter's morn_   
_I turn at last to paths that lead home_   
_And though where the road then takes me_   
_I cannot tell_   
_We came all this way_   
_But now comes the day_   
_To bid you farewell_

The video cut again to Minseok running around China, his eyes big in amazement as Zitao and Lu Han followed after him, Jongdae behind as they all ran around; one of their first times sight seeing. They ducked behind a bench as EXO-K slowly appeared. They jumped out, making the others scream and proceed to chase them around the large fountain.

_Many places I have been_   
_Many sorrows I have seen_   
_But I don't regret_   
_Nor will I forget_   
_All who took the road with me_

Minseok being chased around countless stages by his brothers. Being lifted by Lu Han and Chanyeol. Jumping onto members' backs. Smiling and taking selcas with fans and at fan meets. Playing with the dogs of his friends.

_To these memories I will hold_   
_With your blessing I will go_   
_To turn at last to paths that lead home_   
_And though where the road then takes me_   
_I cannot tell_   
_We came all this way_   
_But now comes the day_   
_To bid you farewell_

Minseok. Sat in his hospital bed, tiny and weak, skeletal and shaking as he played a guitar that looked much too big for him. Gasps and screams went out around the crowd – no one had seen the damage before; no photos had ever gone out.

_I bid you all a very fond farewell_

The guitar slowly stopped playing, the video faded out and lights came on to show everyone in the crowd crying. Jongdae wiped his eyes and sniffed as everyone wiped at their own eyes.

Jongdae's arm wrapped around Baekhyun, tugging him close as he shivered. He knew roughly what was going through Baekhyun's head, thoughts of _that_ _ _was__ _ _ _almost___ _ _ _ _me____ , or _that_ _ _could__ _ _ _still___ _ _ _ _be____ _ _ _ _ _me_____ , and Jongdae squeezed him. Baekhyun smiled weakly as he stepped forward to the microphone stand.

The rest of them dispersed, Chanyeol going to sit and pick up his electric guitar, tuning it quickly. Everyone went silent again and Baekhyun cleared his throat.

"This is a song I wrote in the last few months, thinking about Minseok and my own personal troubles. I know at times it might come off slightly romanticised, but please don't think that this is anyway that. This isn't romantic. It's scary, and cold, and lonely." He cleared his throat. "This is called _Never_ _ _Good Enough__."

Chanyeol started playing his guitar, still tearing up, and Baekhyun closed his eyes as he sang.

_Everybody said_   
_He was a winner_   
_No one knew_   
_The secret kept_   
_Within him_   
_Starving for perfection_   
_Hating his reflection_

_He tries harder_   
_Than the average teen_   
_An overachiver_   
_With low self-esteem_   
_Wants to walk like a star_   
_But he takes it too far_   
_He's never good enough_   
_Wants to be Mary-Kate_   
_Perfect weight, 88_   
_He's never good enough_

_Now his friends all know_   
_About his problem_   
_They all try their best_   
_To try to solve them_   
_He feels like he's on trial_   
_But he's still in denial_

_He tries harder_   
_Then the average teen_   
_An overachiver_   
_With low self-esteem_   
_Wants to walk like a star_   
_But he takes it too far_   
_He's never good enough_   
_Wants to be Mary-Kate_   
_Perfect weight, 88_   
_He's never good enough_

_Who's in control now?_   
_Who's in control now?_

_Everybody said_   
_He was a winner_   
_Noone knew the secret_   
_Kept within him_

Baekhyun repeated the chorus a last time, voice shaking as tears began to slip down his face. Junmyeon stood up and carefully hugged him from behind him, singing softly along with Baekhyun.

Crying could be heard around the venue and Jongdae looked up, eyes wet. Chanyeol set his guitar down and Jongdae looked down to watch Chanyeol carefully lift Baekhyun off stage. EXO formed a circle together, laughing as the sounds of another song Minseok had written, _What U_ _ _do?__ began to play around the arena with all their vocals. Tears and laughs left the group of eight, quickly ten when Baekhyun recovered from his moment and they started singing at the top of their lungs.

_IRRIKAE_   
_SARANGAHE_

And somehow, they knew, Minseok was watching down on them with a massive smile on his face, laughing with them and wiping their drying tears as the party began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is finally over. Thank you everyone who kept up to date and read until the end; it means so much. 
> 
> This is now over, there won't be any more to this unless people do want to see more, I suppose. 
> 
> I'll be finishing off other chapter stories and WIPs and participating in fic fests before I focus on posting anything new but any requests are always considered.
> 
> Thank you everyone for following this to its end. I can't believe so many people subscribed and liked this. I hope an eating disorder fiction from the view of someone with an eating disorder was more refreshing for once and wasn't a disappointment.


End file.
